Friend or Foe?

Friends are in both of my lists for good reasons. 

I've had plenty of friends growing up and to this day I have enough to keep me busy in the hallways and during the weekend. I've always had two types of friends, the "friend" which is more like an acquaintance but exceeds that just a tiny smidge which leaves me no choice but to categorize them as my friend and then there's the "close friend" which is like a best friend but I choose not to label it like that cause i hate that term, there never is a gray area it's really black and white with this kind of stuff for me. I keep it like this because as a kid I used to think everyone in the whole wide world was my best friend, they loved me as much as I loved them but it turned out that the world isn't filled with gum drops and rainbows. 

I'm no stranger to betrayal, I've had a lot of "best friends" and we'd be inseparable for a while and then out of no where BAM! It'd be like it never happened, they would drop me like I never existed and they'd leave me looking like this

I feel a big part of why this happens so much is because of my gender. Girls are just plain mean, cold hearted bitches. 

I used to get really butt hurt about this kind of stuff and try anything to get them back but then I realized that it's not worth my effort to win them back when it took them less than a second to cut me out of their life.

From this experience I've been more cautious in the people I hang around with. 

I've also been in favor of having guy friends especially gay ones, they're just so much more easy going and less backstabby. I only have 3 real friends and only one of them is a girl. I know that this blog has been more negative but friends are one of the best things in life, I just haven't been too lucky in having the right ones.

I used to want to be the lone wolf, be my own best friend, not needing anyone but myself but it seemed like I'd live a very lonely life. I can be alone without feeling lonely but I've always felt that it's better to share my life and experiences with someone I care about. 

I know it's a long shot but I hope high school ends like it did in Grease where everyone somehow ends up as friends again and be remembered forever like shoo bop shoo wadda wadda yipitty boom de boom. 

.

I hope you've watched the movie cause this would make no sense if you didn't

                                                                                                                          *onomatopia

NETFLIX=LIFE       LIFE=NETFLIX

The love of my life.
The reason for my existence.
The reason I keep on going.
I eat Netflix, I breathe Netflix and I sleep Netflix.

There's a reason for it being my number one on my list. It's my safe haven, I can be myself around Netflix, bodily gases and all. You think Netflix judges? Nope. You'd be surprised with how accepting Netflix can be. Who needs friends when you have Netflix, am I right? Darn tootine I'm right! Amen!

 Thanks Jesus.

It's not a crime to watch a whole season in one day! I've done this more times than I like to admit.

My first victim was American Horror Story. First of all, shit is crazy on this show, can't even begin to explain the plot much less the whole series! You want to stop watching but you can't, it's so god damn disturbing to the point where you just love it.
After AHS, it was a series of downfalls... binge-watching a mixture of TV shows and movies(which include breaking bad, GREASE <3, the breakfast club, hachi, and all of the above).
Don't regret it one bit. Best hours of my life. But all great things must come to an end. Thanksgiving break was over and I had to go back to real life. Never been so depressed in my life, having all that time to myself and doing whatever I wanted with it was the best feeling in the world. I don't really have the choice to do that anymore, I mean yeah I choose to do my homework and study for this test but there's so many other things I rather do.
Things that make me happy!

Sure I'll be happy that I studied or I finished my homework but what ever happened to doing what I want when I want it. Living in the now! If I want to go smoke weed with Ale before finals, why not? If I want to blow off this whole project, WHY NOT.
Nah just kidding I'm actually having fun with this.
Guess I got a little carried away back there but what I'm trying to say is I need to live a little bit more and it's kinda weird how Netflix triggered that but hey, stranger things have happened.

Somehow it's all making sense, is this the end? Nope. Take it away Danny Zuko.

*Epistrophe

FIRST BLOG, LETSSS GOOOO!

Sun baby from teletubbies 

Things that make me happy:

• Netflix
• Friends
• Sports
• Music 
• Having a job
• Bae (my dog)
• Fooooood
• The little things 

Things that make me unhappy:

• This project (sorry not sorry Schultz)
• Thinking 
• Friends
• Not being able to sleep 
• My sister 
• Taking the bus
• Waking up in the morning
• Feeling useless

                                                    A new day, a new beginning.

I tell myself this every morning, hoping it'll make the process of facing the day a little easier. Wipe the drool of the side of my cheek, scratch my back and head to the bathroom. I stare at myself in the mirror mentally thinking, Fresh start! Anything can happen.
Chin up kid, today could be the day!

It usually never is "the day" but I'm starting to think "the day" will never happen. Happiness is an on going process, you can't just roll out of bed and suddenly say "Well coat me with 3 layers of butter, slap my behind and call me Henry, I'm finally happy!" Things just don't work out that way.

I've laid awake multiple times asking myself
"Am I really happy?"
I turn the question over and over in my head, digging deep, shuffling through the files in my brain, I use every ounce of my being to answer this simple yes or no question but all that comes out is,
                                                      I DON'T KNOW
I'm not in that state of fairy dust and gum drops but I'm not wallowing in my own pool of despair and self loathing. I'm just little ol' me, dancing awkwardly in the corner where I blend in with the rest of the freaks. So as a result of this indifference, I bang my head against my pillow, throw the nearest object in hand and eventually fall asleep to wake up to the same routine.

I have it pretty good, I'm not going to lie but I feel there's something missing, something I'm overlooking, or maybe I just hit my head one too many times to the point where I can't function properly anymore. I have serious tunnel vision which throws me off completely somethings, I'm determined to stop micromanaging everything and see the full picture.

I'm not happy but I'm not unhappy,
WHY AM I SO COMPLICATED?
I guess in order to figure this out I have to identify what's holding me back, separate the good and the bad and appreciate both, or maybe in this case ignorance is bliss... Naaah unfortunately in the life of a CSP student nothing is that easy.



*tautology