Sun baby from teletubbies
Things that make me happy:
- Netflix
- Friends
- Sports
- Music
- Having a job
- Bae (my dog)
- Fooooood
- The little things
- This project (sorry not sorry Schultz)
- Thinking
- Friends
- Not being able to sleep
- My sister
- Taking the bus
- Waking up in the morning
- Feeling useless
I tell myself this every morning, hoping it'll make the process of facing the day a little easier. Wipe the drool of the side of my cheek, scratch my back and head to the bathroom. I stare at myself in the mirror mentally thinking, Fresh start! Anything can happen.
Chin up kid, today could be the day!
It usually never is "the day" but I'm starting to think "the day" will never happen. Happiness is an on going process, you can't just roll out of bed and suddenly say "Well coat me with 3 layers of butter, slap my behind and call me Henry, I'm finally happy!" Things just don't work out that way.
I've laid awake multiple times asking myself
"Am I really happy?"
I turn the question over and over in my head, digging deep, shuffling through the files in my brain, I use every ounce of my being to answer this simple yes or no question but all that comes out is,
I DON'T KNOW
I'm not in that state of fairy dust and gum drops but I'm not wallowing in my own pool of despair and self loathing. I'm just little ol' me, dancing awkwardly in the corner where I blend in with the rest of the freaks. So as a result of this indifference, I bang my head against my pillow, throw the nearest object in hand and eventually fall asleep to wake up to the same routine.
I have it pretty good, I'm not going to lie but I feel there's something missing, something I'm overlooking, or maybe I just hit my head one too many times to the point where I can't function properly anymore. I have serious tunnel vision which throws me off completely somethings, I'm determined to stop micromanaging everything and see the full picture.
I'm not happy but I'm not unhappy,
WHY AM I SO COMPLICATED?
I guess in order to figure this out I have to identify what's holding me back, separate the good and the bad and appreciate both, or maybe in this case ignorance is bliss... Naaah unfortunately in the life of a CSP student nothing is that easy.
*tautology
You know, I'm impressed with this post, because in person (both in fishbowls or in conversation) I'm always like, wow, Vanessa is awesome at analysis and creative thinking. But in writing sometimes, IDK if it's just that you are bored by the assignment or just doing it to do it, I'm like, eh, I feel like this could be better. But this post is crammed with personality, made me laugh several times at your references (specifically that slapping and calling me Henry one) and reinforced how talented you are.
ReplyDeleteI like that you played around with structure here - it made your writing really interesting. Despite your annoyance at this project, I think I'm going to like reading it. :)